start where you are

My last post was April 1, 2015. A lot has happened in my and the world's life since then. We're both different people, for better or worse. 

In the three plus years since my last post, I didn't forget this space. Much occurred in that silence. I wasn't able to give attention or keep up momentum in the conversations and thoughts I started. I'm breaking silence now. 

Start Where You Are is a beautifully illustrated and thought-provoking journal by Meera Lee Patel, whom appeared as a guest on the Mavenly + Co podcast. Of her many inspiring points during the podcast interview, Patel emphasized her transformation with and befriending of fear. We all have it, and it takes unique form for each of us. Patel writes about her fear in My Friend Fear. Patel's journey and relationship with fear is worth a separate conversation. There's a laundry list of juicy tidbits to ponder. From the interview, an important takeaway for me was her message of when to start your own transformation and reclaim your life with fear in the shadows or at your heels. "Just start where you are." 

As Patel points out on the podcast, we can get caught up in wanting to make changes in our lives and taking steps forward but simultaneously feel either overwhelmed or behind, or more. I take refuge in Patel's encouragement to rejoin this blog space, even though I admittedly feel behind, unprepared, nervous, and a little foolish and vulnerable. But, despite those feelings, I want to step back into the conversation and thoughts on this blog. So I'm just going to start where I am. I hope you'll join me. 

I Moved...Where?

image by Flora Kontilis

Between February 17^th and 27^th I was a nomad, calling a hotel home for a few nights at a time. I packed up my charming one bedroom apartment in Santa Barbara and set off for ten days in London and Cambridge, England. Most of my things are obviously put in boxes and stored in California; the rest came with me in my one suitcase across the Atlantic. With that said, I was often struck with this thought: Shuffling between international airports and cities, I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell someone where home is. “Where do you live or where are you from?” Well, I lived in Santa Barbara up until I took a flight from LAX; and I can’t call myself a resident of any England city so…. After England I’ll be in Italy for a few months, but again I’m just a tourist. Instinctively I could say, “I live in America(?),” keeping it quite general and broad. Initially, it seems strange right? I do not know where I live or call home. Despite this, I feel more content with my life than I have in years. Embracing this uncertainty has brought an unexpected calm to me.

image by Flora Kontilis

I should elaborate more. I recently applied to law schools (across the US) for the Fall 2015 entering class. It can take a few months to hear back from schools, so I had a chunk of time between submitting applications and finding out where I get admitted. That’s why I came to Europe. I wanted to spend this time traveling and living abroad before school life and a rigorous profession set in. And, that’s why I literally don’t know where I live or will be living come September, October, and so on. Here’s where I should preface that I’m a planner. I like things figured out and I really like timeframes. By timeframe I mean hours, minutes, etc.  Call me controlling, yes. Such a luxury has ceased at the moment. Yet transitioning to my new ambiguous life didn’t scare me. Rather, this felt bittersweet. I felt my overall time in Santa Barbara was complete, and I walked away with more friends, love, and memories than I ever, ever imagined I would. Naturally, I will miss the life I had there, but I recognize the big, exciting, monumental steps I’m taking next.

image by Flora Kontilis

Looking back to the topics mentioned in my post “Home Without Walls,” I’ve been able to take on this scary step because of the supportive friends and family around me. Yet, at the risk of sounding sappy(!), I think being ok with all this also comes down to my being ok with it. What I mean is that you have to let go of the supposed to’s and the should’s. The people that matter will embrace what you choose to do with your life. So, I took a big, big risk: I quit my good, steady job, put my face in the books for the LSAT and law school applications, and left the Santa Barbara life I created over 8 years. My friendships didn’t change, my family was on board, and my boyfriend said, “This is what you’ve always wanted.” He was right. And now that I’m doing what I truly want to do with my life (pursue law school and travel), I feel more secure and content overall.

What I’m getting at is a claim that for me home is not a physical place. True I don’t know how long I’ll identify with this statement — but right now it fits!

My Meaningful Work: The Dailey Method.

image by The Dailey Method, San Francisco - Mission Castro

In The Gifts of Imperfection, a book by Brené Brown, I read about the importance of meaningful work. As Brown puts it, meaningful work makes one come alive, and I think it also brings joy.

Meaningful work can be in all shapes and sizes--maybe it's your day job, or maybe it's your part time job. It's jewelry making, photography, or it's basket weaving. Nonetheless, I agree with Brown in it's value toward living with joy. And when I read this passage today I immediately knew what my meaningful work is: teaching at and being a part of The Dailey Method.

Before I go on I must thank my good friend Marcie for suggesting the exercise studio to me at a time when I was looking to transform my health and fitness. And transform it did. As a practice, The Dailey Method has given me so much strength, not only physically but also emotionally.

For over two years now I've been both an instructor and student at the Santa Barbara studio. In this time I have been filled with a sense of home created by the community there and across the franchise! Here's the truth of what my meaningful work does for me, whether I'm teaching or taking class:

• I feel connected.
• I feel strong.
• I feel loved.
• I feel alive.
• I feel joy.
• I feel friendship.
• I feel I am enough!

Some of the instructor family at The Dailey Method, Santa Barbara

Cor

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I recently learned that cor, latin for heart, is the root word for courage.  By definition, courage is "the ability to do something you know is difficult or dangerous." This is why I'm starting here, exposing myself in our first meeting by sharing a bit of my heart. I will of course share many bits of it throughout this blog space, and that, I believe, is a difficult thing to do. You see, first I have to embrace the struggle of knowing my own heart; and then I have to accept it. This is a tall order for myself and will happen in actual bits of course--one day here and another day there. (Who can know achieve this in one week? two weeks? )When you see these posts I invite you to know what's on my mind and what's in my heart.